‘I Am Your New King,’ Says Bloody, Cancerous Polyp To British Public

LONDON—Proclaiming a new era of unstoppable proliferation across the United Kingdom, a bloody, cancerous polyp addressed the British public from Buckingham Palace on Tuesday and informed them that he was their new king. “Bow down before me, subjects, for I have dethroned your once-mighty monarch,” said His Majesty Lumpington III of Malignashire, who reportedly appeared wearing St. Edward’s Crown to issue a royal edict ordering the execution of all radiologists throughout the British Isles. “No longer will my brethren suffer beneath the jackboot of your surgeons. Pledge fealty now, and perhaps we shall spare your colons and prostates. May almighty God bless our Commonwealth with spreading and division. Amen.” At press time, the throbbing mound of metastasized cells added that he would be invoking his divine right by spending his first night as king in the bed of Queen Camilla.