CHICAGO—Failing to use the appropriate level of discretion, local man Keith Makarewicz took a second too long to adjust his balls, sources reported Tuesday. “Look, there’s nothing wrong with moving your testicles into a more comfortable position, we get that, but you have to be in and out,” said one eyewitness, who noted that Makarewicz took neither speed nor public visibility into account as he stood on the corner of the busy city intersection adjusting his balls to his heart’s content. “Two seconds is fine, but three? That crosses the line into perversion. They really ought to add people to the sex offender registry for that sort of thing.” At press time, sources confirmed they were dialing 911.
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