TORONTO – At a press conference held outside Toronto’s Friendly Harvest Food Bank, RBC announced its latest financial offering: the new Canadian Groceries Loan Program. The program aims to make food more affordable to the average Canadian by providing loans up to $50,000 usable at any of the major Canadian grocery chains or their subsidiaries.
“RBC has always believed that Canadians are our greatest resource and Canadians love to eat. Our market research shows over 90% of Canadians eat multiple times per day, every single day. And in today’s difficult climate, Canadians struggle to afford the basics,” said Nadine McKay, Chief Human Consumption Officer at RBC. “With housing mortgages on the decline because it’s impossible for the average person to afford a home, we’ve identified food as the next essential expense for our customers where they will need long-term credit at reasonable rates.”
The plan requires a minimum balance payment each month with interest plans available at fixed or variable rates. New PC Optimum shoppers can borrow from their RRSPs at 0% for up to five years.
The Friendly Harvest Food Bank has served Toronto for over 22 years and has seen a 250% increase in demand for its services over the last 18 months. Gail Mbaye, coordinator for the food bank, expressed her concern for this plan. “Anything that could help reduce the pressure on our food bank is welcome, though I’m not sure people who already have trouble buying food going deeper into debt is a great solution,” said Mbaye, rolling her eyes.
“Also, we’ve had to shut down operations today due to this unannounced press conference on our doorstep and have had to turn away hundreds of people, so maybe RBC can just go fuck right off?” added Mbaye, flipping the bird at Fixie the Bread, RBC’s new mascot for the program.
McKay, who had to wipe the saliva from her chin several times through the announcement, declared, “I want to assure people that all of us at the upper levels of RBC are excited at the prospect of keeping the average Canadian well-fed. Yes, eat up and eat well, Canada.”
When asked to clarify the position of “Chief Human Consumption Officer”, McKay quickly ended the conference and referred further questions to the RBC Department of Corporate Execution.
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