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SAGINAW, MI—Clutching her son and strategically pointing him outward at all who dared challenge her, local mother Cara Gershwin wielded her coughing baby like a weapon Wednesday and aimed him at her enemy. According to sources, Gershwin had been spotted pacing around slowly with her baby, making direct eye contact with people, and barely even flinching when her 6-month-old shot a violent stream of mucus, snot, and spittle into the air directly at them. While the mother had initially been trying to isolate the baby and contain his illness, something reportedly snapped deep inside her, causing the normally agreeable woman to engulf her enemies, bystanders, and even herself in a 10-foot-wide, deadly cloud of viruses guaranteed to infect them immediately. At press time, the woman could be seen packing up her stroller and walking away, but not before muttering, “You’ll be dead within the week.”
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