BURNABY, BC ― As inflation runs rampant and dress codes grow more relaxed, more people are dispensing with clothing altogether, prompting calls for public officials to increase fines for indecent exposure.
“I always considered myself a pretty modest person,” admitted newly-minted nudist and realtor Alice Kowalski. “But then I tried to buy new underwear, and a three-pack of anything halfway decent cost over $50, and I thought, who will actually know if I go commando?”
“Things kind of just snowballed from there. Turns out the only indispensable part of my daily appearance was makeup. Trying to skip that generated a lot of backhanded compliments, but when I ditched my pants, crickets.”
Although most of those resorting to this drastic measure still keep some outfits on hand for winter, there are those who have not been deterred even by the cold weather.
“Yeah, I have some unworn clothes that I got years back,” admitted Damien Lane, a taxi driver. “But it’s this or dressing exclusively in oversized T-shirts I won during frosh week for having the first, second, and fifth most embarrassing drunken confessions. I do have my dignity, you know.”
“Plus, it still saves me money on my electricity and water bills if I do less laundry, and the cold helps shrink my penis so that it’s barely visible anyway, right?”
Nudity-skeptics have pointed out that the cost of clothing is usually a lump sum, whereas the cost of paying a fine every day will eventually exceed even the exorbitant cost of a single shirt. However, proponents have found this is not the case.
“I did worry about that at first,” agreed Lane. “But it’s actually quite rare to be ticketed. It’s like speeding. So many people do it now, even the police know the limit is actually 10-20 km/h above what’s posted. They only enforce particularly egregious cases ― in the case of nudists, those’ll be the ones who shave their pubes. Let the natural cover do its stuff, and you’re all good.”
Municipal authorities have largely been slow to respond, presumably because many of them have done much worse things with their genitals than merely allow them to breathe. Meanwhile, major clothing retailers insist that going without ever buying new clothing is perfectly possible, as certain populations, including plus-size women and men under 5’6”, have been proving for years and years now.
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