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SALT LAKE CITY—Pausing their boisterous conversation to greet some new faces, the nation’s hairy men in hot tubs confirmed Wednesday there was plenty of room for one more if anybody else wanted in on the fun. “Don’t be shy, we can all squeeze in here,” a man completely covered in hair and sweat said on behalf of the nation’s hirsute men, who raised their warm cups of Malibu, kindly assured bystanders a primo seat right in front of the jet was available, and then tucked the loose, billowy material from their pineapple-patterned swim trunks under their thighs. “There we go, like wet sardines in a can. Want me to show you how to use the settings? Me and my new friends here warmed up this seat just for you. So, where are you from?” At press time, reports confirmed water cascaded from saturated tufts of matted-down chest, back, and shoulder hair as the nation’s hairy men stood up and asked if someone could please hand them a towel.
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