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WASHINGTON—After top advisors patted his head and called him a good president, Joe Biden was rewarded with extra time on his tablet Thursday, according to sources within the West Wing. “Since you were so patient and quiet all the way through the National Security Council meeting, you can play on the iPad for 30 minutes,” said White House aide Will Ortiz, handing the president a tablet housed in a shockproof case intended to prevent him from getting the device sticky or accidentally cracking it as he sat on the floor of the Oval Office with a tube of Go-Gurt and enjoyed his screen time. “Now remember, you can only use the apps [chief of staff] Jeff [Zients] put on there for you, okay? If you download YouTube or anything like that, we’ll have to ground you from any official presidential engagements.” At press time, the national debt had reportedly skyrocketed after Biden purchased trillions of dollars’ worth of Fortnite skins from the app store.
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