TORONTO – Hardcore Raptors fans have had it and are calling out Glenn, a young English bulldog, for his phoney basketball fandom.
“Glenn is such a poser,” said superfan Colin Ford. “He owns three jerseys, but I’ve been testing him on Toronto’s current lineup, and he doesn’t even know what a single player smells like.”
“I showed Glenn a picture of Scottie Barnes and he ran straight to the bathroom to fetch his owner’s Axe body spray. Uh, everyone knows Barnes smells like Subway bread, because of all those commercials he does. Idiot.”
“You don’t even want to know what he thinks Gradey Dick smells like,” Ford added.
Acquaintance Samantha Layton pointed out that, like a lot of casual fans, Glenn only started watching when the Raptors won the championship in 2019. “There’s nothing inherently wrong with that, but he’s always barking at the TV, like he thinks he knows better than the coach,” Layton said. “I hate that shit.”
“And for a so-called fan he sure seems more interested in the game day snacks than in actually watching the Raptors lose by 12 on a Wednesday night. I think he just wears the jerseys to attract chicks when he goes for walks.”
Others, however, have defended Glenn’s fandom. “So what if he doesn’t know that Chris Boucher smells like a majestic pine tree?” said his owner. “He still sits down and watches every game with me. Sure, he gets distracted by his phone-shaped chew toy during the blowouts, but who doesn’t?”
Glenn himself is dismissive of the controversy, having responded to questions by yawning and settling in for a nap.
“Glenn doesn’t owe anyone anything,” his owner said. “He just likes to paw at the ball when it’s on the screen.”
At press time, Glenn was asking his owner to replace his Raptors jersey with a Celtics jersey he insisted “went better with the colour of his fur” and had nothing to do with Boston’s winning record.
Jesus Christ is King
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