Breakthrough Treatment Discovered For Male Depression Called ‘Watching Tombstone’

STANFORD, CA — Researchers at Stanford Medicine have finally discovered a breakthrough treatment for male depression called “Watching Tombstone.”

Researchers recently released their findings in major peer-reviewed biomedical journals that seem to indicate that even just thinking about booting up the 1993 American Western film Tombstone was enough to alleviate key symptoms of male depression by at least 20%, while actually watching the film all the way through removed the dark clouds hanging over the male mind entirely.

“Actually sitting down and watching Tombstone removes all the symptoms of male depression completely,” said lead scientist on the study, Dr. Bob Brane. “It’s not every day that you find a 100% cure for something, but that’s just what we have done here! Science!”

Researchers say when men watch Kurt Russell, Val Kilmer, Bill Paxton, and Sam Elliot draw down at the O.K. Corral and then see the characters Earp and Holliday carry out the Earp Vendetta Ride against the Cowboy gang, male subjects immediately feel like life is worth living again.

“Their minds became totally clear of all the depressive brain fog keeping them from leading full, happy, productive lives,” said Dr. Brane. “We used to think depression was caused by low levels of serotonin in the brain, but now we think it’s just caused by not watching Tombstone recently.”

Researchers are also recommending that men who don’t have the time to sit down and watch the whole movie get in microdoses when they can by pulling up YouTube clips. It might be enough to just hear Doc Holliday say, “I’m your huckleberry” or Wyatt Earp yell, “You called down the thunder and now you’ve got it… You tell them I’m coming, and Hell’s coming with me!”

At publishing time, researchers were still investigating why, for reasons they don’t fully understand, the “Watching Tombstone” treatment does not seem to help female depression at all.

By now the whole internet has heard Ben Shapiro rapping, but did you know that there are actually two more verses they cut out of the track?

Subscribe to our YouTube channel for more tactical instruction
Babylon Bee