‘It’s Just Gonna Ask You A Quick Question,’ Says Saint Peter Spinning Tablet Toward Man Entering Heaven

PEARLY GATES — Newcomers at the Pearly Gates were shocked this week to find the heavenly check-in system has been upgraded, complete with tablet registers that prompt new arrivals for a tip.

“Okay, we’re about done,” said Saint Peter as he spun a tablet toward a confused man trying to enter Heaven. “It’s just going to ask you a quick question.”

According to sources, the soul of Victor “Vick” Jenkins, the first user to be onboarded with the new system, was surprised. “A tip?”

Peter assured Mr. Jenkins that the tip was strictly voluntary and definitely not part of a secret test. However, these assurances only made it seem more like a test. Maybe even the test.

“I don’t have any money, but what I have, I give to you,” said Vick as he selected a generous 100% tip. Peter then took all of his heavenly treasure.

A survey of the saved shows that the new system is generally frowned upon, seen as a passive-aggressive way of asking for a tip while doing even less work. Users have also expressed confusion that something so irritating would greet them at a place where they’re supposed to be eternally content. A heavenly spokesangel was forced to issue a statement to clarify that the Pearly Gates are technically outside of Heaven and that any discomfort experienced there is in no way representative of the heavenly experience.

At publishing time, the tipping system was recalled and replaced with a flat 10% heavenly treasure gratuity by default.

By now the whole internet has heard Ben Shapiro rapping, but did you know that there are actually two more verses they cut out of the track?

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