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Jennifer Lopez Confirms ‘This Is Me…Now’ Is Not Just A Movie Musical But A New Autocratic Nation-State

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LOS ANGELES—Noting that the project would usher in an entirely new era for her, Jennifer Lopez confirmed Friday that This Is Me…Now was not only a movie musical, an album, and a tour, but also a new autocratic nation-state. “This Is Me…Now means so much to me, both because it truly represents who I am at this stage of my career and because it is a glorious empire built from blood, sweat, and iron of which I am the absolute sovereign,” said Lopez, adding that it had taken decades of work as a singer, actress, and dancer to amass enough land and military might to vanquish the countless powerful enemies who had foolishly tried to halt her rise as a tyrannical despot. “When I started my journey as a performer, I never could have imagined that one day I would be standing here ready to unleash a reign of merciless terror upon anyone who failed to comply with the arbitrary decrees of Jenny from the Block. I can’t wait for you to experience this totalitarian dictatorship in which I will control every aspect of your lives!” At press time, Lopez shared a sneak peak of the project in which she can be seen executing her husband Ben Affleck, hoisting up his severed head, and screaming.

The Onion

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