NEW YORK — Former President Trump’s civil trial in New York has concluded with Judge Arthur Engoron ordering that Trump pay whatever dollar amount is necessary to bankrupt his Presidential campaign.
“I, Judge Engoron, hereby rule that President Trump must pay — hang on, let me google what his campaign raised last quarter,” said Judge Engoron. “Oh forget it, whatever it takes to crush Trump’s re-election, that’s how much Trump owes. Case closed!”
The civil trial was initiated by New York Attorney General Letitia James who argued that Trump received good terms on bank loans, thus endangering democracy. “Trump receiving a slightly better interest rate on a loan fifteen years ago was the death rattle of America,” said James. “At last, with using Trump’s conviction on a victimless crime to bankrupt one of the two major Presidential candidates, democracy has been saved.”
According to legal scholars, the case hinged on whether Trump had inflated the worth of his real estate holdings in order to secure more favorable loan rates. After careful review, Judge Engoron ruled that Trump’s 63,000 square-foot mansion at Mar-A-Lago, including multiple beaches, was worth approximately eight dollars. As such, Judge Engoron declared that banks had been nice to Trump, which clearly caused people living in New York terrible distress, and that could only be assuaged by Trump being forced to pay enough money to destroy his campaign.
At publishing time, Judge Engoron had also ruled that Trump had to also pay off the national debt and go pick up his dry cleaning.
By now the whole internet has heard Ben Shapiro rapping, but did you know that there are actually two more verses they cut out of the track?
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