‘Stab Him! Stab Him, You Cowards!’ Says Terrified Kamala Harris To Aides After Plunging First Knife Into Biden’s Back

WASHINGTON—Moments after pulling shut the door to the Roosevelt Room and locking it behind her, a terrified Vice President Kamala Harris reportedly told aides to “Stab him! Stab him, you cowards!” on Friday after she plunged a knife into President Joe Biden’s back. “What are you waiting for, you fools? Strike now! Strike before the opportunity goes cold!” said the blood-dappled vice president, who, as her staff appeared to grow uncertain of the blades in their shaking hands and backed away toward the exit, reminded each panicked aide in turn that they had pledged their fealty for this day. “Think of all I’ve promised you. Think of all we stand to gain. Quick, now, the first blow has been rendered. There is no going back. We’re confederates in this. We must act now or be damned by inaction!” At press time, sources confirmed President Biden had complained to an assistant of a tightness in his shoulder and returned to the Oval Office with the knife still protruding from his back.