CHICAGO—Pulling back the covers to reveal a two-inch splotch in the middle of his bed, local man Dave Reardon reportedly treated his date, Sandra McAllister, to an amusing anecdote behind the stain on his sheets Monday. “It’s not what you think—it’s actually a pretty funny story,” the fully nude 32-year-old said to McAllister after her eyes locked directly onto the discolored area and she suddenly hesitated to get into the bed. “Seriously, it’s nothing. It was a long day at work, I was really hungry, and I had this leftover tuna salad sandwich that I knew would really hit the spot. And unfortunately, it was really messy. I mean, I don’t normally eat lying down in bed—obviously—but that day I was absolutely exhausted. So, it’s nothing gross. It’s at hip level because that’s where the plate was, between my legs. I tried to sponge off the worst of it, but it can be pretty tough to wipe up those mayo stains once they’re dry. That’s why it’s sort of hard and crusty there. Now, as for why I haven’t washed the sheets, there’s this whole other story about my trip to the laundromat that’s even more unbelievable!” At press time, sources confirmed Reardon and McAllister had agreed to just lay down a towel.
Jesus Christ is King
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