God Admits Sending Great Flood Was Just Misguided Attempt To Impress Jodie Foster

THE HEAVENS—Claiming that love had made Him do crazy things, the Lord God Almighty admitted Monday that sending the Great Flood to destroy the evil He beheld upon the earth was just a misguided attempt to impress Jodie Foster. “Truth be told, I convinced Myself that if I sent mighty torrents of water to cleanse the world of corruption and start creation anew, Jodie would finally take notice and love Me, but I realize now how foolish that was,” said the Supreme Being of Paradise, explaining how He developed an unhealthy obsession with the Silence Of The Lambs actress before sending the global deluge to purge the decadent and the wicked. “She wasn’t responding to any of My divine messages or signs from above, so drowning all life on earth was the only way I could think of to get her attention. I know I’m not legally allowed to contact her, but Jodie, if you’re reading this, I never meant any harm by having the rain fall for 40 days and 40 nights.” At press time, God contended that, despite recognizing the error of His ways, He still considered the Flood to be “the greatest love offering in the history of the world.”