Alabama Supreme Court Rules That Frozen Burritos Are Children

MONTGOMERY, AL—In a case aimed at preserving what plaintiffs described as the sanctity of reheatable Tex-Mex fare, Alabama’s Supreme Court issued a ruling Tuesday in which it asserted that frozen burritos are children. “With this decision, the court finds that frozen burritos—be they beef, bean and cheese, chicken, or any combination thereof—are legally recognized as children,” Justice Jay Mitchell wrote in the court’s majority opinion, claiming that at the moment the frozen burrito is placed in its plastic sleeve, it becomes human life made in the image of God. “Personhood applies to all frozen burritos without limitation. Just because they are not currently inside a woman’s belly does not make these convenient and affordable meals any less deserving of the same rights enjoyed by living, breathing children.” In a dissent, Justice Greg Cook wrote that the majority opinion “almost certainly ends the enjoyment of frozen burritos prepared in gas station microwaves throughout Alabama.”