PEORIA, IL—Shaking his head as he spotted the flashing red and blue lights in his rearview mirror, local evangelical Christian man Joshua Weller was reportedly persecuted Tuesday simply for driving 90 miles per hour in a school zone. “Looks like someone spotted the Jesus fish on my back windshield,” said Weller, who wondered aloud when the United States had stopped being a Christian nation and then decided to emulate Christ by turning the other cheek and pushing the accelerator all the way to the floor. “I bet they’ll hit me with some trumped-up charges like reckless driving all because I’m a man who walks in the light of the Lord. Then they’ll send me to stand before some atheist judge appointed by those Godless Democrats. Let’s be real—do you think if I was Muslim I’d have all these DUIs?” At press time, reports confirmed Weller had been tossed into a jail cell just like Christians centuries ago had been thrown into the lion’s den.
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