MOSCOW – Officials from the Kremlin, under the close supervision of Russian President Vladimir Putin, have concluded an autopsy of Alexei Navalny, concluding that the recently-deceased opposition leader spontaneously sentenced himself to 30 years in a remote Siberian gulag before then ingesting his own poison that he brought from home.
“Truly, there is nothing the Russian Government could have done to prevent this tragic death,” explained Kremlin spokesperson Sergei Ivanovitch, as he clutched a surveillance photo of his children being dropped off at school.
“As we all know, the leading cause of accidental death among critics of our glorious leader, Vladimir Putin, is for people to lock themselves away in solitary confinement and then to poison themselves completely of their own volition,” Ivanovitch noted, adding, “May I please see my children now?”
Statistics show that among Russians, the leading cause of death is starving one’s self to death in a frigid Siberian prison, followed by throwing one’s self out of a window, and shooting one’s self in the back of the head. All of these grim methods of suicide become 300% more likely if the person in question has ever written, said, or thought anything critical of Vladimir Putin or his coterie of untouchable oligarchs.
Asked whether the Kremlin may have had anything to do with Navalny’s death, Ivanovitch insisted this was not the case in the moments before the journalist disappeared to take his own life in a Siberian gulag.
“We assure you, the Putin government had nothing whatsoever to do with the untimely death of Alexei Navalny,” Ivanovitch explained. “Our government is far too busy deploying nerve agents in Ukraine, convincing American voters that Joe Biden is a robot, and buying up all of the real estate in Toronto and Vancouver.”
In Washington DC, the Republican-controlled Senate pointed to the Kremlin’s explanation that Navalny killed himself as proof that they no longer need to send aid to Ukraine, because “Why would Putin lie?”
At press time the writer of this article has also tragically taken his own life in a remote Siberian prison, but with his dying breath wished to send his most humble apologies to Russian President Vladimir Putin, long may he reign.
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