ITHACA, NY—In a shocking revelation that left the entire ornithological community reeling, Cornell University scientists reportedly discovered Tuesday that birds had lied about being related to dinosaurs. “For decades, birds literally looked us in the eye and claimed they descended from theropods—and it was all a stupid lie!” said Professor Tracy Rheiner, who slammed the entire Aves class for feeding scientists “total bullshit” for years that essentially rendered ornithologists’ collective work worthless. “I’ve been publishing papers using what they told me! Does that mean anything to them? This is my career we’re talking about. We look like fucking idiots! What the hell is the public going to say when they find out?” Rheiner went on to state that birds were probably lying about being related to Princess Diana, too.
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