TRUSSVILLE, AL—Saying the state could pry his reproductive organs from his cold, dead hands, local conservative Sean Weiss worried aloud Wednesday about the government coming to take his hard-earned genitals. “I’ve worked my entire life to get these gonads between my legs, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to let the Feds come and take my sexual bits right out from under me,” said Weiss, emphasizing that he was willing to defend his private parts from federal agents with force if necessary. “The Democrats would be thrilled to strip me of my rightful nether regions and give them to illegal immigrants as handouts. Well, guess what, Biden? This cock isn’t going anywhere.” At press time, Weiss had reportedly forfeited his penis to authorities after an hours-long standoff outside his home.
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