New Law Requires SNAP Recipients To Balance Food On Nose Until Receiving Command To Eat It

WASHINGTON—As part of an effort to ensure the benefits were only allocated to those in “true need,” a new federal law went into effect Thursday requiring all Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program recipients to balance food on their nose until they receive the command to eat it. “There’s no reason why working-age, able-bodied food stamp recipients can’t show us that they’re very good boys,” said House Speaker Mike Johnson (R-LA), who demonstrated how the new SNAP requirement would work by carefully placing a block of cheddar cheese onto a constituent’s nose before backing away and holding out an open palm. “For far too long, the welfare system has been abused by SNAP recipients not willing to wait, wait. We want to see nice SNAP recipients, obedient SNAP recipients. Only then can they get their treat.” At press time, sources confirmed more than an hour had passed and Johnson still hadn’t given his constituent the command.