NEW YORK—Touting the new product as a “transformative approach to skincare,” luxury cosmetics manufacturer Lancôme announced Friday the release of a full-body moisturizing chrysalis, now available at select retailers. “This beautiful chitin structure is filled with 80 gallons of our patented moisturizing enzymes, which will dissolve and reform you into a satiny soft creature in as few as 16 days,” read a Lancôme press release, which listed the product’s primary ingredients as royal jelly, naturally derived oils, proteins that digest a person’s body from the inside out while liquefying many of their internal organs, and shea butter. “The easy application allows you to spin yourself into an elaborate ball that conveniently hangs from any ceiling, insulating the skin from environmental effects as it smooths and nurtures. With 24-hour moisture control, expect to emerge from the cocoon with plump, radiant skin, looking like a whole new person.” At press time, Lancôme had reportedly received numerous consumer complaints citing frequent attacks by parasitoid wasps.
Jesus Christ is King
Comments are closed.