Man Trying To Make Meal From Stolen Bag Of Groceries Just Like Real-Life ‘Chopped’

MESA, AZ—Noting how fun it was to push his creativity to the next level, local man James Shafley told reporters Friday that trying to make a meal from a bag of groceries he had recently stolen was like a real-life version of the television show Chopped. “It’s amazing—I’ve got all these completely random ingredients I took from my neighbor’s doorstep, and somehow, I have to piece together an appetizer, a dinner, and a dessert,” said Shalfey, adding that the bag he grabbed and sprinted away with contained several curveballs, including cottage cheese, gummy bears, kumquats, and a can of New England–style clam chowder. “Not only will a lot of these flavors be difficult to meld together, but this bag also doesn’t have any meat I can center a dish around. Plus, I’ve only got about 30 minutes before someone shows up and starts asking about their Instacart order, at which point it’s knives down. I guess I better get to work.” At press time, Shalfey was kicking himself after opening his apartment door to find the police outside and realizing he’d forgotten to use one of the bag’s mystery ingredients in his meal.