Study: More Americans Opting To Have Decapitated Heads Placed Under Silver Cloche After Death

BROOKFIELD, WI—In its annual study of consumer preferences for mortuary arrangements, the National Funeral Directors Association reported Friday that more Americans were opting to have their decapitated heads placed under a silver cloche after death. “While still not as popular as cremation or casket burials, the deviously macabre tradition of having one’s severed head carefully arranged upon a platter has gained popularity in recent years,” the report read in part, noting that 2023 saw a 14% increase in departed Americans who chose to hire a white-gloved butler to lift the cover from a tray bearing their bloody skull and say, “Your entrée, monsieur,” as he laughed maniacally. “There is a clear trend in which people planning for what happens to their body after death are choosing this more cost-conscious option so as not to burden their family members, as well as to give one guest at the funeral dinner a delightfully fiendish surprise. It typically costs less than $20 to purchase a serving dish from a restaurant supply store and a single leaf of romaine lettuce for the festering head to rest upon.” The report noted that for an additional fee, more elaborately sinister preparations were usually available, such as acquiring a pound of worms to squirm in and out of the head’s orifices or serving the deceased’s eyeballs atop a plate of spaghetti.