Clarence Thomas Announces 50% Discount On All Favorable Rulings

WASHINGTON—Telling Americans that they must act now to avoid losing out on the chance of a lifetime, Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas announced at a press conference Monday a 50% discount on all favorable rulings. “Today and today only, I’m offering half off on tilting any jurisprudence in your favor—all principles must go!” said the associate justice, who went on to list issues including abortion, voting rights, interstate commerce, social media regulations, and gun ownership by domestic abusers that could now be decided at a steep discount. “Brown v. Board of Education? Gone. Gideon v. Wainwright? Finito. Miranda v. Arizona. Poof! Just mention the code SCOTUS before your oral arguments and we’ll take it from there. Act soon, because this opportunity is running out!” Thomas added that if buyers jumped on this deal in the next hour, he would throw in a ruling overturning Loving v. Virginia’s interracial marriage protections for the low, low price of a single Rolex.