Collapsing Vice Media assures devastated journalists that upper level management will be fine
BROOKLYN, N.Y. – Vice Media began informing journalists today that they’ve been laid off as the struggling company pivots away from producing news in favour of a business model in which investors pay managers to produce no news.
“We know this is a tough time, people are worried about their own careers and the future of journalism in general and I want to promise everyone that I personally will be absolutely fine,” C.E.O. Bruce Dixon said in a form letter attached to the layoff notices.
“I will be fine monetarily because of the extraordinary large salary and bonuses I’ve made during my time here, and I will be fine career-wise because the kind of people who hire me are exactly like me and I am at the corporate level where there is virtually nothing I can do to make myself either fireable or unhirable.”
Vice, known for its in-depth reporting of extremism, cheeky coverage of popular culture, and managerial incompetence, declared bankruptcy in May of 2023 and was subsequently acquired by a large investment group. In order to make the company more attractive for its inevitable sale to yet another investment group in a few years, Vice has shuttered its well-known and respected news sites in order to focus completely on the managerial incompetence that makes it so attractive to like-minded investors.
“Sadly, I get it,” said one journalist laid off today. “If an article I write about millionaires gentrifying Hawaii by building environmentally destructive McMansions goes viral and gets ten million views, that doesn’t impress the millionaire failson who’s deciding where daddy’s money company should invest next. But if the CFO of Vice announces they’ve just bought a vacation home in Maui, that signals success to someone who also has a vacation home in Maui.”
“I bring no value to Vice by producing the product the company is nominally selling. Value is produced by the appearance of value through reckless spending, and that’s what Vice’s management has always excelled at.”
“That, and ignoring or perpetrating sexual harassment in the workplace.”
At press time, Vice Media announced that they were an AI company now too, because why not?
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