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Real American History That The ‘Woke’ Left Doesn’t Want You To Know

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It’s no secret that school textbooks don’t cover the whole of American history, and that important facts about this great nation are often omitted to serve a narrative. In the name of keeping truth alive, The Onion presents these real accounts from American history that the “woke” left doesn’t want you to know.

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Most Of American History Took Place In The Past

Most Of American History Took Place In The Past

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Most—almost all, actually.

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The First Native American Tribe Didn’t Step Foot In The U.S. Until The 1980s

The First Native American Tribe Didn’t Step Foot In The U.S. Until The 1980s

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So-called “indigenous” people crossed the Bering land bridge a mere 40 years ago, when shoulder pads were everything and MTV was all the rage!

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Slaves Owned George Washington

Slaves Owned George Washington

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That’s right. The first president was too nice to say anything about it, but his slaves actually owned him.

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Whites Were Only Counted As Two-Fifths Of A Person

Whites Were Only Counted As Two-Fifths Of A Person

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Three-Fifths doesn’t seem so bad now, does it?

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1776 Is The Year In Which The Declaration Of Independence Was Written

1776 Is The Year In Which The Declaration Of Independence Was Written

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Woke liberals will tell you the Declaration of Independence was written in 1893 or 2349 AD, but these are lies! They will try to arrest you or get you fired for saying differently! Don’t let them confuse you!

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The Freedom Riders Often Exceeded The Speed Limit

The Freedom Riders Often Exceeded The Speed Limit

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Have they no respect for the rule of law?

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Abraham Lincoln’s Head Blew Up After Coming Up With The Idea For Trans People

Abraham Lincoln’s Head Blew Up After Coming Up With The Idea For Trans People

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John Wilkes Booth wasn’t even able to get a shot off before Lincoln absent-mindedly considered the idea that someone might one day seek to resolve their gender dysmorphia through sexual reassignment surgery, a thought that caused the 16th president’s brain to explode all over the Ford’s Theatre balcony.

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MLK Jr. Was A Men’s Rights Activist

MLK Jr. Was A Men’s Rights Activist

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As much as the left tries to co-op him, the fact is Martin Luther King Jr. was marching to outlaw child support.

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Hitler Invaded Poland In An Attempt To Eradicate The Woke Mind Virus

Hitler Invaded Poland In An Attempt To Eradicate The Woke Mind Virus

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And he would have done it too, if it weren’t for those snowflake Allied forces.

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Harvey Milk Was Actually Straight

Harvey Milk Was Actually Straight

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Unfortunately, the Mayor of Castro Street was killed before he felt comfortable making it heterosexuality public.

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Japan Asked The United States To Drop The Atomic Bombs So That It Would Have An Excuse To Invent Godzilla

Japan Asked The United States To Drop The Atomic Bombs So That It Would Have An Excuse To Invent Godzilla

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The entire premise of a gigantic irradiated lizard wouldn’t make sense otherwise.

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All Of Thomas Jefferson’s Children Were Conceived Using IVF

All Of Thomas Jefferson’s Children Were Conceived Using IVF

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While some claim the former president had inappropriate sexual relationships with his slaves, his offspring were in fact conceived through in vitro fertilization.

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Pol Pot Was Unfairly Canceled For Simply Killing 2 Million Cambodians

Pol Pot Was Unfairly Canceled For Simply Killing 2 Million Cambodians

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Not the first person to be put out of work by the woke Vietnamese mob.

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Many Slaves Earned $70k A Year Plus Benefits

Many Slaves Earned $70k A Year Plus Benefits

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Adjusted for inflation, many enslaved African Americans had salaries upwards of $70,000 a year, in addition to great perks that included health insurance, free weekly pizza, and eight weeks of paid time off every year.

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America’s First Capital Was Located Inside A Bass Pro Shop

America’s First Capital Was Located Inside A Bass Pro Shop

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The Founding Fathers actually wrote the Second Amendment while milling around outside the gun department.

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The ‘Protesters’ Outside Central High School Were Only Trying To Sing The Little Rock Nine Happy Birthday

The ‘Protesters’ Outside Central High School Were Only Trying To Sing The Little Rock Nine Happy Birthday

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They aren’t screaming in those old photographs. They’re serenading.

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George Washington’s Teeth Were Plastic

George Washington’s Teeth Were Plastic

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Those teeth were made of 100% nonrecyclable materials. None of this sustainable wooden tooth shit.

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Betsy Ross Used AI To Create The American Flag

Betsy Ross Used AI To Create The American Flag

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The AI program actually scraped the designs of several hundred different flags from across the world and combined those of Great Britain, Malaysia, and Liberia.

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George Washington Was A Jordan Peterson Fan

George Washington Was A Jordan Peterson Fan

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The truth is in the frilly pants.

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America Came With The Border Wall

America Came With The Border Wall

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The woke left wants you to think the government erected towering walls draped in barbed wire, but the truth is they were already there when European colonists arrived.

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The ‘Blacks Only’ Water Fountains Tasted Better

The ‘Blacks Only’ Water Fountains Tasted Better

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Liberals might try to make segregation seem like a bad thing, but the water that came out of those fountains was absolutely unmatched.

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All Americans Are Straight, White, And Cis

All Americans Are Straight, White, And Cis

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The ones that claim otherwise are merely acting out for attention.

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