HUNTSVILLE, ALABAMA – Due to recent changes in Alabama state legislation, a malfunctioning embryo freezer has been charged with mass murder.
The accused cryopreservation appliance recently began malfunctioning, after years of successfully carrying embryos to term. Sources allege that, thanks to dirty condenser coils and an intermittent evaporator fan, the freezer proved unable to maintain the temperature that it had been set to. That led the freezer, who goes by Gennie Electra (GE for short), to commit the largest mass murder in history with 75K dying.
GE is being held in a secure facility to prevent the murder of more innocents.
“I have a back-up generator, my door is always properly closed,” explained said GE from inside a maximum security holding facility. “If the cleaners had pulled me out to clean the coils or they provided me basic health care than included regular check-ups, things could have been much different.”
“I know every person on trial says this, but I’m innocent,” added a desperate GE. “Yes I didn’t carry those embryos until they were involved in the process of becoming a real person, but I didn’t actually kill anyone.”
Support has been growing across Alabama, to bring the full wrath of the judicial system down upon GE. From local Christian megachurch leaders to Republican lawmakers, and some Christian megachurch Republican lawmakers, they intend to use this case to set an example for other freezers. Their argument hinges on a relatively unknown Bible passage in the book of Obadiah that states, “The egg came first so life begins at solidification of genetic materials.”
An Alabama state prosecutor, Harriet Marshall, says she plans to bring the death penalty by electrocution as the only reasonable sentence in this trial. “The plan is to create a power surge so strong that GE will never be able to hurt another living soul.”
“We aren’t just talking babies in this atrocity. Some of these victims were children, teens, and young adults,” explained Marshall. “The oldest was living in a freezer for 20 years. They were planning a rager for their 21st birthday with the others. Now, they’ll never get to experience legally buying alcohol, driving for Uber, or the existential dread of realizing you’ll never own a house.”
An advocate for justice, Maurice Powell, is surprised that GE is being held without bail or access to support. “Why are the victims there in the first place? Children should be able to live outside and not solely in the captivity of a freezer,” expressed an upset Powell. “They should be able to use their arms and legs to escape being held in an ice prison and, if they only had those limbs, none of this would have happened.”
As the trial date looms, gun manufacturers are breathing a sigh of relief that no firearms were used to commit this crime.
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