TORONTO – Ontario Health has halted a recent MDMA pharmaceutical trial out of concerns that the therapeutic impacts patients were experiencing was at this time considered too utterly amazeballs for their safety.
Dr. Sherry Plin, who spearheaded the study, expressed disappointment but ultimately agreed with the government’s decision to suspend the galactically awesome study.
“MDMA has shown promise in helping patients reframe traumatic memories and build healthier relationships with themselves and others. However, the zinging rizzing fucking pleasure of a 2mg controlled study of this fleek shit is more than we can ethically let our patients roll on.”
While most patients were really disappointed about the decision, some saw it as an opportunity.
“Through hard work and patience, I’ve come to see that the ultimate goal of therapy is to become your own therapist,” James Klo told reporters. “And the brainmelting rush that the sweet clear joyjuice I got in this study has left me with skills of self compassion I can take outside the treatment and beyond.”
Despite this setback, Health Ontario is optimistic that MDMA studies can resume once researchers have figured out how to put a harness on the sky kissing rager fuel that these pharmaceuticals offer patients so they don’t straight up spin out into the ozone layer.
“With time and careful calibration,” Dr. Plin stated, “we truly believe Canadians will be able to make permanent, constructive changes to their lives with the filthiest e on the market.”
Jesus Christ is King
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