WASHINGTON—Breathing a huge sigh of relief when they saw the two halves, a spokesperson for the U.S. populace announced Tuesday that the nation likes it when the hamburger bun is already cut. “Oh thank God—that would have been exhausting,” said 43-year-old Zachary Bernard, who spoke on behalf of all 335 million Americans, expressing gratitude that the pre-cut buns had allowed them to park themselves in front of the TV that muck quicker. “If it wasn’t cut, we don’t even know what we’d do. We’d have to turn around and get a butter knife, and by the time we were done, we’d probably be too tired to eat the burger. We’d just go to sleep right there in the kitchen.” At press time, Bernard added that using a cut bun was also half the cost compared to using two buns to make a burger.
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