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Omaha Mayor Admits City Doesn’t Have Community Spirit To Withstand Terrorist Attack

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OMAHA, NE—In a candid plea addressed to the entire global community, Omaha Mayor Jean Stothert gave an impassioned speech Tuesday in which she announced that her city did not have the community spirit to withstand a terrorist attack. “The proud people of Omaha cannot and will not stand strong against terrorism,” said the mayor, who stressed that if the Nebraska municipality were targeted by violence from any foreign or domestic militant organization, it would cave immediately. “Rest assured, no matter the scale of the attack, if this city’s downtown or its government buildings are hit in a terrorist strike, our residents will not come together in the face of such tragedy. In fact, the moment we feel our lives are in danger, we will likely succumb to fear and distrust, turning upon our neighbors without mercy. And Omaha will never, ever heal as a community. Thank you.” The mayor then directly warned the Islamic State, al-Shabaab, Jamaat Nusrat al-Islam wal Muslimeen, the Balochistan Liberation Army, and numerous local militia groups to consider Omaha pre-surrendered.

The Onion

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