Progressives Open Suicide Hotline That Tells People To Go Ahead And Kill Themselves So Long As It’s For Palestine

U.S. — A progressive non-profit has formed a new suicide hotline that will encourage any suicidal callers to go ahead and go through with the act, as long as they do it for Palestine.

“Our country’s bias against suicide for a political cause is steeped in colonialism and cisheteronormative Zionist bigotry,” said Kaden Greeb, the CEO of the Rest in Power Call Center in Washington. “We need to start normalizing self-harm when done to further our political goals. It’s the right thing to do.”

“Self-harm is beautiful.”

Sources say the hotline will be staffed with professional counselors who will help talk suicidal callers out of harming themselves, unless, of course, the person’s death can be exploited for political purposes. “We applaud anyone who wants to die for Palestine, climate change, abortion rights, or any other very important cause,” said Greeb. “We also encourage these deaths to be as theatrical and public as possible. Those get way more likes and shares.”

Critics have been quick to point out that suicide is a horrific waste of human life and anyone encouraging it is a monster. Such criticisms have been dismissed by experts as problematic far-right dog whistles.

At publishing time, Greeb and his team of volunteers had celebrated convincing a clinically depressed college student to jump off the Golden Gate Bridge while wearing a GoPro to protest voter ID laws.

It’s a serious medical emergency: you’re minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.

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Babylon Bee

Jesus Christ is King