Trump’s Best Excuses For Delaying Legal Hearings

Oh darn, it’s one of those days when doors don’t open or close.

Trump has successfully pushed back the date of several trials by claiming he is still one year away from being born.

It’s really stupid and annoying going to a trial, and frankly, it sucks. And the people who are making him do it suck. And the only way that wouldn’t be the case is if they delayed things.

Trump has shown up to court several times doing a terrible approximation of what he believes Hungarian sounds like.

He claimed the Japanese experimental artist slept with his counsel and distracted him from doing his best legal work.

He’ll look like an idiot in the court sketch if he goes in with this stain!

Ow, it really hurts! Hold on—no. This is serious. Give him a second so he can figure out what’s going on.

Trump’s attorneys have argued that the former president is currently in the middle of a leisurely lunch that could run well into 2025.

Instead of fixing their marriage and teaching him to empathize with what it’s like to be a female immigrant from Slovenia, it just made him late to court.

And unfortunately, the melting skeleton does not negotiate after it makes up its mind.

While he wished he could be tried for election interference, he unfortunately could not find his way out of the Devil’s Triangle, where his ship had disappeared under mysterious circumstances.

His aides are putting him back together as quickly as possible, but give him a break here.

After fixing the bone spurs in his heels that prevented him from fighting in the Vietnam War, he’s finally been drafted into the U.S. Army.

It was $20 plus tip, so he didn’t want to mess it up.

Celebrating his covenant with God by being circumcised was booked months in advance.

He’ll appear before the judge as soon as it’s finished.

The juicy pear got all over his face, making him too sticky to stand trial.

He said the sexual tension between him and Judge Tanya Chutkan was too strong for him to be able to stand trial.

The thought alone of having to testify in front of all those people makes Trump nervous enough to throw up.

PBS just started airing an episode based in Newport, RI that he’s been waiting to watch for weeks.

The Sesame Street character makes learning to use the potty less intimidating and stressful for Trump.

Trump successfully claimed he could not attend several of his New York court dates because he was currently on ice at the morgue.

And then they grew way too big in the dryer.

Years of singing, acting, and dreaming have finally gotten Trump his break on the big stage, and no criminal trial will take that from him.

Trump’s self-esteem got too low for him to stand trial after he saw an unflattering angle of himself playing golf.

Trump’s maternal grandfather, Malcolm MacLeod, just passed away last night, and even though they were never really super close, his mom says he still has to go.

He used it to get out of several Cabinet meetings while president, too.

President Trump is frantically attempting to finish the classic Frank Herbert novel before Dune: Part Two comes out in theaters, and there’s no way he’s ever going to get through the 800-page behemoth at this rate.

Going to probably take another few months to soften up enough to be swallowed.

The delay came when it ended up pulling his whole body through, requiring a lot of tape to stick the strips of him back together in the right order.

If you let him delay for Antiques Roadshow once, you need to let him do it again. That’s the law.

How can he stand trial if he can’t understand a single word anyone is saying?

Melania refused, Barron’s scared of them, and the former president doesn’t have any extra cash for a sitter.

You can try to bring Trump the man to court, but it’s in Trump the mighty oak tree that the former president’s corrupted soul resides.