CHICAGO—Noting that he spoke little English and had no interest in helping whatsoever, sources confirmed Wednesday that the Polish man their landlord had sent over simply smashed a hammer through a wall of their apartment and left. “While we were hoping Jurek would be able to take care of some much-needed repair work, all he did was walk in, snoop around, and punch a hole through our drywall,” said tenant Abe Jeffries, adding that the Warsaw native refused to address the apartment’s clogged sink, ant infestation, or leaking radiator, and instead left a large hole by the front door and told the residents he would be back in two weeks. “Rather than fixing any of these issues, he just muttered to himself for a while and then spent 30 minutes on the phone yelling at someone in Polish. After that, he asked if he could use our toilet, clogged it, and left. We haven’t heard from him since. Who knows. I guess it’s better than nothing.” At press time, sources confirmed the landlord had called and said he was taking the price of the hole directly out of their security deposit.
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