WASHINGTON—Detecting signs of life only after a lengthy period of cutting open the commander-in-chief’s bodily cavities and examining the organs inside, White House physician Kevin O’Connor is said to have mistakenly performed an autopsy Thursday for the first 10 minutes of President Joe Biden’s annual physical. “Whoops, sorry, didn’t realize there was a pulse there, Mr. President!” said O’Connor, apologizing as he noted that he had been misled by the president’s cold, stiff flesh and near-total lack of cardiovascular activity. “To be honest, I’d already found a few potential causes of death while I was looking over your liver. But we can just disregard those since it appears you’re still alive. I hope I didn’t hurt you too bad when I started taking out those atrophied lungs of yours!” At press time, the lifeless Biden had reportedly been gurneyed out of the exam room with a clean bill of health.
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