BROWNSVILLE, TX — In a long-awaited move expected to generate some attention, President Joe Biden arrived at the southern U.S. border today to cut the ribbon for its official Grand Opening.
Alongside representatives from the Border Patrol and other government dignitaries, Biden presided over the ceremonial ribbon-cutting to signify that the border between Mexico and Texas was now recognized as fully open for travel.
“Come one, come all,” Biden said as he snipped the blue ribbon with scissors. “Listen up, folks. We’ve put a lot of work into this moment. There were some people who didn’t want to wait for the grand opening. That’s alright. They’re still… they’re still… it’s ok if they… we’re fine. I’m proud to declare the border officially open. Come on in and enjoy the festivities. Ice cream.”
Biden made his visit to the border town of Brownsville, which has seen a steady trickle of border crossers, and insisted that the border had remained closed until this ceremony. “To say that we’ve had an open border is a bunch of malarkey,” he said. “My opponent is supposedly visiting some place called Eagle Pass today, where they claim tens of thousands of migrants enter the country every month. We know that’s false. ‘Eagle Pass’ sounds like a made-up town, anyway. Where’s Jill? Is this Canada?”
Biden then wandered away from reporters and was last overheard demanding to speak with Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau.
At publishing time, officials estimated there were approximately 5,369 new migrants who crossed the border during Biden’s speech.
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