Macy’s To Close 150 Stores As It Focuses On Indonesian Terrorist Division

NEW YORK—In an effort to cut costs and modernize its core business, department store chain Macy’s announced a major restructuring this week, saying it would close 150 of its stores to focus on its Indonesian terrorism division. “This isn’t about downsizing, but instead about shifting our portfolio to reflect current trends, which suggest there is a lot more growth potential in spreading Islamic extremism across Indonesia than in selling clothes in brick-and-mortar shops,” Macy’s CEO Tony Spring said of the decision, which is likely to include cutting thousands of jobs at the affected stores, moving the company’s headquarters to a remote cave in West Java, and devoting more resources to the terrorist organization Jamaah Ansharut Daulah as it works to establish an Islamic caliphate across southeast Asian. “When we started our Indonesian terror cell division back in 2003, it was just a small piece of a strategy to stay on the cutting edge of the latest trends. Today, among Gen Z and millennial consumers, there’s just far less interest in a Macy’s that sells clothes off the rack and much more in one that kidnaps [Indonesian President] Joko Widodo. We’ll still make sure customers can shop the way they want. But we’re also laser-focused now on making the unbelievers pay.” Spring added that to reduce layoffs, he hoped to offer redundant employees the option of being abducted to the city of Bandung, where they would be held hostage to pay for future bombings.