Mitch McConnell Donates Body To Lobbyists For Research

WASHINGTON—In what many of his congressional colleagues have described as the most noble act of his storied career, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) announced Thursday that upon his death, he would donate his body to lobbyists for research. “By studying this extraordinary specimen capable of such tremendous feats of opportunism, lobbyists will gain great insights into the human capacity for corruption,” said Don Stewart, McConnell’s deputy chief of staff, explaining that lobbyists would be able to take what they learned from the remains of a seven-term senator without scruple and discover new ways to buy and pay for lawmakers. “They will be asking questions like: How much influence can the human body peddle? Was there something unique in Sen. McConnell’s genetic makeup that allowed him to engage in shameless obstructionism and fight against campaign finance reform for all those decades? And is this a quality that can be replicated in future generations of congressional leaders? The advances for the field of lobbying could be quite profound.” Reached for comment, top D.C. lobbyists said the donation of the senator’s body would finally allow them to pinpoint the exact location of the great emptiness inside of McConnell that could only be filled with cash.