Study Finds More Americans Commuting To Work Splattered On Grill Of F-150

WASHINGTON—In a trend that is reducing the nation’s dependence on fossil fuels by curtailing the total number of cars on the road, a study released Thursday by the Transportation Department found that more Americans than ever are commuting to work splattered on the grill of a Ford F-150. “Increasingly, U.S. pedestrians are getting absolutely nailed by full-size pickups that fail to stop and continue to speed down the road, carrying them for miles on the front of the truck before leaving them to regain consciousness in a ditch near their place of employment,” the report read in part, adding that with gas prices still well above $3 per gallon, these severely injured commuters were managing to avoid a hit to their pocketbook if not a hit to their head, chest cavity, arms, and legs. “Since 2020, this method of commuting has increased by nearly 40%, shrinking the carbon footprint of Americans who might have been behind the wheel of their own vehicle if they hadn’t been splayed across the hood of someone else’s. Their broken bones, punctured lungs, and brain bleeds are definitely helping to bring down tailpipe emissions.” The report went on to state that the benefits weren’t limited to the commutes of workers, noting that being splattered on the grill of an F-150 had also decreased congestion in the nation’s school zones.