WASHINGTON—Requesting something useless and disposable that wouldn’t break the bank, the American populace announced Friday that it just wanted a shitty version that didn’t last long for cheap. “We definitely would like to have one of those things, but only if it costs almost nothing, breaks immediately, and is impossible to fix,” said Bowling Green, KY resident Miles Begley, echoing the sentiments of every U.S. consumer when he confirmed that, ideally, the item shouldn’t even work in the first place, so that he could just toss it right in the garbage after removing it from the packaging. “Being able to throw it out is important, because I want to be able to purchase a new one as soon as possible. Basically, whatever I buy needs to perpetuate an endless cycle of frustration—both with the product and with myself—but not put a dent in my wallet.” The nation also demanded that the shitty item’s production should cause as much misery as possible for factory workers while its disposal should cause as much damage as possible to the planet.
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