Zelensky Challenges Putin To Settle Ukraine War On The Dance Floor

GENEVA—In an impassioned speech at a peace summit hosted in Switzerland, Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky issued a striking challenge to his Russian counterpart Thursday, inviting Vladimir Putin to settle the war between their two nations on the dance floor. “After two years of fighting we have reached a stalemate, and so today I declare it is time to stop dropping the bombs and start dropping the beat,” said Zelensky, who, as drums and bass kicked in through the summit’s language-interpretation headphones, ripped off his shirt and began to pop, lock, and drop to raucous applause. “I say to Mr. Putin: If you want peace, if you want an end to this intractable conflict, then get your ass up off that dais, get down here on the floor, and get that booty clapping! Whoever wins will gain full control over all 230,000 square miles of Ukrainian territory. And five, six, seven, eight!” At press time, the dance battle had been suspended indefinitely after Putin sprayed a powerful nerve agent directly in Zelensky’s face, causing him to collapse to the ground and convulse uncontrollably.