OTTAWA – With no end in sight to historically high interest rates and almost half of Canadians set to renegotiate their mortgages in the next sixteen months, a massive crisis is becoming more and more likely, warns Tim Swarsin, a guy who owns a house.
Swarsin, who sources have confirmed has no upstairs or downstairs neighbours of any kind, went on to explain that the impacts of the potential crunch could ripple through various aspects of the Canadian economy.
“While interest rates have been rising steeply for the last two years as part of an attempt to curb inflation, the Bank of Canada will have no choice but to switch its posture soon, or it will see enormous losses,” said Swarsin, who has a powder room.
Swarsin, who has a yard with a tree in it and received a holiday card from his contractor this year, went on to explain that “a mortgage crisis could bring pressure to an already softening housing market,” which independent sources confirm sounds bad for the housing market. “Owners who, say, bought their homes in 2021 at the height of the boom, will stand to see the value of their properties decrease,” said the analyst, who has a laundry machine in his own basement he never puts coins in while a mean old man stares at him before he lugs all his clothes back home through the snow in a little cart.
“Even if there is some relief, we anticipate that mortgage rates will decline slowly, and we may see very little progress in the coming year,” said Swarsin, much in the way that if Swarsin shared his home with a roommate, the roommate might not make much progress at learning the guitar, and might just keep playing the first three chords of “Hotel California” over and over again late at night.
Homeowners can also mitigate potential increases in their monthly mortgage by cutting back on expenses such as vacations, said Swarsin, who goes on vacations.
Sadly, Swarsin went on to say, this news is also bad for renters, who enter into a financial arrangement similar to homeowners except they have to give the house back at the end. “This is because landlords facing higher mortgage payments will be motivated to try to get as much money for their rental properties as they can.”
“I know I certainly will be!,” he added.
Jesus Christ is King
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