ALLENTOWN, PA—Exchanging tales of license suspensions and alcohol highway safety classes, alumni of William Allen High School reportedly spent their 20-year high school reunion last weekend catching up on each other’s DUIs. “No fucking way—I think we have the same probation officer!” said 38-year-old Caleb Rice, who was delighted to discover how many of his old classmates, including those whom he had never really considered himself to have much in common with back in high school, had been up on the same misdemeanor charges as him. “You’d think we would have learned our lesson after Chelsea Abrams ran into a tree on prom night, but nope. Some things never change! How is Chelsea, by the way? Still paralyzed?” At press time, sources confirmed Rice had made plans with his old classmates to catch up again soon in jail.
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