PALM BEACH, FL—Repeatedly opening and closing the browser window for his bank’s website, former President Donald Trump told reporters Monday that he was scared to check his credit score. “I can’t do it—I just can’t do it,” said Trump, who admitted that he hadn’t paid off his credit card in weeks and grimaced as he imagined the animated dial on his screen pivoting even further counterclockwise. “It already wasn’t great, especially after all that Trump University stuff, but now? It’s going to be rock bottom, I just know it. I’m never going to recover from this. I could open up another account in Barron’s name, but I’m pretty sure I already tanked his credit too.” At press time, Trump had reportedly responded to his credit score by hurling his computer across the room.
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