EDMONTON – The Alberta government has announced its intention to opt out of Ottawa’s proposed public pharmacare program, curtail renewable energy projects, and “ditch the elitist wheel in favour of good ol’ fashioned hoofing it,” according to a recent press conference.
“Justin Trudeau and Jagmeet Singh’s pharmacare program is a cheap political stunt that lacks concrete details, although once the details are announced we’ll reject those too,” said a United Conservative Party spokesman. “We would prefer Ottawa simply give us that money to squander it on some half-cocked oil and gas program for party hardliners.”
“Those out-of-touch Ottawa bureaucrats think we could prevent unwanted pregnancies with free contraceptives,” the spokesman continued. “But once the ‘Laurentian’ wheel is eliminated, walking miles for a hookup will leave the majority of Albertans far too tired to procreate. While Trudeau’s busy trying to paper over Canada’s problems, Danielle Smith will address them at the source.”
While polls suggest pharmacare, renewable energy, and the wheel are generally popular in Alberta, they do have their detractors.
“If someone wants to get from one place to another, they’re welcome to walk on their own two feet,” said an anonymous Edmontonian. “Ride a horse if it’s an emergency, but I don’t see why someone else should get to benefit from a so-called ‘road’ on my dime.”
“Justin Trudeau likes renewable energy, so renewable energy is bad,” said a Calgary man. “Trudeau has also been seen operating or riding in wheeled vehicles. You do the math. But make sure it’s not any of that weird math that uses funny symbols.”
Premier Smith has also considered opting out of refrigeration, penicillin, public art, libraries, pools, drinking fountains, guide dogs, sidewalks, rainbows, and every letter after T.
“We fought Trudeau on child care for some reason, and we’ll fight him on all these other popular ideas too,” the UCP spokesman said. “Libraries may look innocuous, but someone might benefit from them without paying money. And we can’t have that in Alberta.”
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