Conservatives Explain Why Casual Sex Should Be Illegal

“I am morally opposed to fun.”

“Makes it that much hotter knowing it’s illegal.”

“Hooking up with a floozy at the bar is a good way to get your truck busted up by Carrie Underwood, but I’m not surprised liberals don’t understand.”

“The only moral justification for sex is procreation and honeypotting a foreign diplomat.”

“Casual sex only leads to one thing: Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis 2011 rom-coms battling at the box office.”

“For far too long, our legal system has protected people more fuckable than I am.”

“Sex should be between a husband and wife trying to re-spark their love life at a hotel after the Pink concert in Cleveland.”

“Can you imagine the chaos that would ensue if everyone stopped logging their intercourse with their town registrar?”

“Dry-humping is more than enough to get me off.”

“I just think cops should barge into more bedrooms.”

“Americans don’t take boinking seriously anymore.”

“If our nation spent less time on pube trimming, we’d have more time for war.”

“I have a lot of unexamined psychological issues surrounding sex, relationships, and power, and this is the only way I can see to resolve them.”

“If you saw my dick, you’d know no one’s touching that thing just for fun.”

“If you have too much casual sex, you could forget how to masturbate.”

“Casual sex takes precious time away from casual racism.”’

“It would be easier to list the things that I don’t think should be illegal.”