CONCORD, CA—Assuring the single 37-year-old that she had already vetted the prospective suitor, local mom Tina Salerno announced Wednesday that she would like to set her daughter Anna Salerno up with the nice man from the salad dressing label. “Honey, don’t be mad, but there’s a man I’d like you to meet who is successful and very handsome—and he’s actually here right now!” said the 63-year-old mother, excitedly shuffling over to the refrigerator to bring out a bottle of Newman’s Own salad dressing. “He’s a little bit quiet, but I’ve already told him all about you. Very distinguished-looking, right? It says on the label he gives all kinds of money to charity, so I think he might be rich, too. Anyway, I’ll leave you two to get acquainted.” At press time, Anna Salerno had reportedly shrugged and decided to give it a shot, saying it couldn’t go any worse than her date with the little Irish guy from the cereal box.
Jesus Christ is King
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