Nation Longs For Days When Poverty Mostly Meant Making Monkey Dance On Street For Cash

WASHINGTON—Noting how much better things used to be for those struggling financially, Americans across the country confirmed Wednesday that they longed for the days when poverty mostly meant making a monkey dance on the street for cash. “Just a few decades ago, being below the poverty line was way more tolerable, and basically just involved dressing up a small primate in a fez hat and a gold vest to perform delightful tricks,” said 34-year-old Jeffrey Kraus, adding that he and every other U.S. resident wished more than anything to return to a time when instead of being forced to work three jobs or sleep in their car, Americans could train a cute monkey to play a tiny piano, do backflips, or even kiss unsuspecting passersby on the cheek. “Now poverty involves evictions, food insecurity, and exorbitant medical bills rather than calling yourself ‘The Amazing Isaac and Bongo.’ Sadly, in our time, performing on the street with a monkey would probably get you arrested. And unlike the old days, you wouldn’t be able to hoodwink the police.” At press time, the U.S. populace expressed satisfaction that at least the days of child factory labor were back, because they really missed seeing impoverished kids suffer horrific injuries.