Nutritionists Say Fuck It After Discovering Little Debbie Cakes

HINSDALE, IL—Barely audible through their snack-cake-stuffed cheeks, members of the American Nutrition Association said fuck it Wednesday after discovering Little Debbie desserts. “Oh my God, forget everything I said about ultra-processed foods—these things are incredible,” said registered dietitian Veronica Chernov, who tore off the wrapper of another Strawberry Swiss Roll and tossed the now empty box over her shoulder as several ANA members behind her tussled over the last box of Oatmeal Creme Pies. “You’re telling me it’s only $2.50 for ten individually wrapped cakes? And they come in, like, a hundred different varieties like Zebra Cakes and Unicorn Cakes and Fancy Cakes?! I totally get why people do this now. Please disregard everything we said about cardiovascular disease. I don’t know what a Nutty Buddy is, but I can’t wait to try one.” At press time, the American Nutrition Association had announced they weren’t feeling so well.