PHOENIX—Having grown apart over the years in their perspectives on sin, depravity, and strange, diabolical rites, satanic couple Dane and Melissa Sinclair told reporters Tuesday they no longer have a shared dark vision for the future. “We used to see eye-to-eye on our Dark Lord’s plan for us, but as we’ve grown older, we’ve come to feel differently about the best way to tempt humanity into Lucifer’s maniacal thrall,” said Melissa Sinclair, explaining that while they had initially bonded over their mutual enthusiasm for a black shroud falling upon the earth and plunging it into a thousand years of chaos, she and Dane hadn’t felt that first blush of unspeakable perversity and evil in quite some time. “As I became more interested in animal and human sacrifice, he started immersing himself more in his esoteric texts and dark arts that he says will unleash death and madness upon the world. So we really don’t have much to talk about anymore. We had planned on giving birth to the Antichrist someday, but he keeps trying to put it off by saying we have to wait until a blood moon rises on the winter solstice.” At press time, the satanic couple’s relationship hit a new roadblock after Dane gently hinted at the possibility of opening up their marriage to demonic hellspawn.
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